There are no bars in Dennis!

That's right.

A while back, I was watching one of several town hearings regarding The Sailing Cow in Dennis Port, and Chief Whalen explained to everyone that there are no bars in Dennis; there are only restaurants which have a "pouring license." In other words, food must be the primary stream of revenue. No food, no liquor license.

That hearing, as well as the explanation, came about because the folks at The Sailing Cow have really been pushing hard to be a bar or a nightclub or an after-hours eatery, in addition to their over-priced, ordinary fare served across from Glendon Beach down on Snatch Alley.

It's too bad, because they would do a lot better being a place that makes fast nickels, rather than slow dollars. As with all waterfront spots, these people figure they have a captured audience. In their case, though, it just doesn't work.

Is the food good? Yes, but not as great as the price would have it. And same goes for the drinks. Case in point, three 16oz PBR drafts came to a tab total of $11.22. Okay, YOU do that math. If there's taxes involved, why not put that at the end rather than force us to do the math. A bottle of Bud Light is $3,27. Huh?

Of all the gin joint in all the towns in all the world, who else calculates a tab like this? 

But, I digress.

Harvey and I dropped by on Saturday afternoon, because we were cruisin' the Alley, and the sign said "entertainment." (Not to be confused with the illegal signs they stick out a mile away on Lower County Road.)

If they want my bar business, though, they need to get real about who they are. Why would any barfly drop by for a beer, when the deal is much better at Planck's or Hot Stove. Sure, 6A and 28 are not on the Sound, but you could take a six-pack to the beach if you really want the best deal.

Bottom line: ignore the signs, and keep on drivin'.

And then there's this whole cow-in-a-boat concept. The entertainment was a very talented singer, who is in a very tough spot to entertain. No stage. Too many families. A handful of regulars, to whom she addresses the annoying interruptions in her songs. Needs to sing Lyle Lovett:

If I had a boat
I'd go out on the ocean
And if I had a pony
I'd ride him on my boat
And we could all together
Go out on the ocean
Me upon my pony on my boat

And if I were Lyle Lovett, I think I'd get a haircut. Or a hat. Or a big, brown paper bag and put it over my head.