Okay, so Harvey paid 25 bucks to a local radio station in exchange for a certificate good for $50 at the 586 Bistro in Hyannis. Neither one of us had been in that location since it once had been Roobar. We’d each gone to the old place on our own, and nothing drew us back. Clearly, it was more of a nightspot than a bar, which is fine. Just not our cup of tea.
Anyway, the appeal of this new incarnation was their advertised half-price pizzas on Monday and Tuesday, as well as FREE appetizers at the bar from 4-7 on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays. If we were to go on a Tuesday, then odds were in our favor that this might be a good deal. For Harvey’s 25 bucks, there could be a couple of $12 pizzas for only $12, plus some free apps, plus some paid upscale beers. [Quick math: $50 certificate minus $12 = $38 of beer (divided by two)] then pay tax and tip.
Only five restrictions were printed on the certificate: (1) No cash back, (2) Dine in only, (3) No early birds, (4) tax and gratuity not included, and (5) certificate expires one year from date of purchase.
So, we appeared there at 4:45p, and we were the only patrons other than some dude sipping a beer at the bar. The cook was at work in the open kitchen, the wood was burning in the oven, and the bartender welcomed us as we sat down at the bar. “Pizzas are half price tonight,” were the first words out of his mouth.
We ordered a couple of upscale brews (Stella and a Noble Pils) for starters, looked at the menu, and began to chirp away. This was not a place for nachos, skins, onion rings, wings, or pickled eggs. So, we went for an order of calamari (those fuckers eat submarines!), a margarita pizza, as well as a pepper, sausage, onion combo. All of these were stated on the menu, so we were not deviating from their suggestions.
Another round, but I went to a Bud Light, because they had no PBR.
Didn’t see any free apps or business people or anyone else.
Squid came and it was very good. Lightly floured, crisp, and with a (dare I type this) remoulade which was delicious. Yes, a barfly CAN have exquisite taste, and we told the bartender (AND yelled out to Dave) how great it was. (We yelled to Dave that he had to make certain he got his share of our 5% tip! Ha ha ha)
Another round.
Pizzas are here. Though they were 14” crusts, there was barely any crust at all. “Thin” does not begin to describe the crust, but that’s not a problem. The pizzas, too, were great. We stated that. In a league of their own, but not very filling.
Could have used a free app here. A beer nut. A Cheez-it. How about a pretzel stick? Wasn’t OUR idea. But we said nothing about their not being evident.
We yapped with the bartender, reminisced about bars long gone from Main Street in Hyannis, and inspected some bottles of the bubblegum Stoli behind the bar. Brooklyn Vodka is a Stoli limited edition by Spike Lee. Said to taste like apples and ginger. Good for girly drinks, I supposed.
Another round, perhaps, and a request for the tab.
Harvey produces the certificate and the barkeep announces “That doesn’t cover half-price pizzas.” We did not argue, but we imagined it also did not cover the free appetizers.
We did note that the certificate did not state that restriction, and we also went online with a cell phone to show to the bartender the website that heralds the pizza price and the free apps. Politely, we explained that it was not OUR idea to determine those prices and to advertise them.
Now, a wise businessman would have said, “You’re right. Let’s take $12 off the tab.”
Did I mention that the tab had come to $71 and change?
Well, it did. We paid that. We tipped 20 percent of the pre-tax tab, and we told them how good the food was.
We did not bother to break down the price of the beers, but it was hefty. Harvey did notice, though, that the other guy at the bar had conveniently disappeared during our polite discussion of their view of their own promotion. We suspect he might be the owner.
Bottom line is that the radio station notes that 100 of these things were purchased for the Bistro, and that means there are 99 others out there with a big surprise in store.
Moreover, just remember that the Bistro is an upscale restaurant that happens to have a bar with high margin drinks.
Lemme see: Duck Inn Pub, Elbow Room, Nineteenth Hole, Kian N Rylee’s, Jack’s Lounge are all much better deals.
Fool us once, shame on you. Fool us twice, shame on us. Won’t get fooled again.
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