What will they think of next? (Shhhhh. I don't wanna know.)

See, Harvey, I told you (3/24): "No beer in Fenway this season, because the Sox lost the opener!"

So what if they lost another opener on April 1st, it’s still a great joke (almost as great a joke as the Sox themselves). 

Oh, lighten up and admit that you loved the Olde Town team much better when they always found some way not to win. Today, they’re just a mob of mercenaries passing through town on their way to the bank, rather than the Hall of Fame. And is there any mercenary who looks any goofier than John Henry does in the stupid hat? When I was a kid, we all knew that “John Henry was a steel drivin’ man, Oh Lord. John Henry was a steel drivin’ man.” But this John Goof Henry is a certifiable chardonnay sippin', brie munchin’ goof: essentially, John Forbes Kerry without the hair.

All of which brings me back to the topic of the lost opener. [Note: Never judge a barfly by the joke s/he tells; only judge a barfly by the joke s/he tells more than once.] Lost opener or not, now John G. Henry now wants to sell mixed drinks throughout Fenway (and not just in the snob boxes). Apparently, they want to begin with next week’s home opener (just in case they lose that one, too).

According to the Boston Globe, “At the hearing last week, Red Sox officials said the mixed drinks available to fans in general seating areas would contain no more alcohol than the beer that is currently sold.” That, of course, should raise an alarm for every consumer, barfly or not. It reminds me of the retort by the honorable Moe Szyslak, proprietor of Moe’s Tavern. Whenever anyone orders a “scotch and water,” Moe feels compelled to note: “My scotch IS scotch and water.”

So, what might we expect from John G. Henry now? Some sort of bastardized bubble gum booze for the masses fully ordained by Ben Affleck (and what a national treasure he is, right)? Raspberry mojitos? Banana banshees? Brandy Alexanders? Grasshoppers? Sombreros? Or will it be a limited list: Tangueray and tonic, Jack and Coke, or Finlandia with a splash of Cranberry? Surely, life will be so simple. And the price is sure to be cheap. Be certain to tip your waiters and waitresses.

Face it, the only kind of mixed drink that ought to be serving at Fenway is a boilermaker. And if they won’t serve you that, then at least the goons ought to refrain from frisking you in search that hip flask full of Four Roses. (Let the goons buy their own!)

As for me, I’ll take some peanuts and one of these Haffenreffers brewed at the old JP brewery.

For closers, consider this: What would Lou Gorman drink?

a. Wildroot Cream Oil
b. Sterno
c. Vanilla extract
d. All of the above