What's in YOUR beer glass?

Forget the CapitalOne commercial that asks: "What's in your wallet?"

More importantly: "What's in your beer glass?"

For starters, there'd better not be any milk in there. [Note: Soy milk is NOT milk. It's juice! A soy plant has no breasts!] Pouring milk into a beer glass will forever sully that container, and it must be disposed of under federal guidelines. [cf. the U.S. Sullied Glass Act of 1952]

Second, there must be no lipstick traces whatsoever around the rim, especially if your bartender has placed it empty upon the bar. [cf. Lindsay Lohan, plaintiff v Moe Szyslak, defendant]

Third, beer must be the primary ingredient. Other acceptable enhancements include: 1.5 oz. of whisk(e)y or tequila; under extreme conditions, no more than three ice cubes; and, on occasion, a dash of salt.

Finally, there should be absolutely no fruit or vegetable of any species or form whatsoever. No lime, no cucumber, no broccoli rabe, no pepper sauce. By the same token, there should be not even any such reference on the label of the container of origin; i.e., NO blueberry, pumpkin, cranberry, etc.